too much time

so…i’ve been thinking, i hate my job. too much time to think. i’m away from home for weeks or months at a time. that’s why i don’t have a real home. why pay for a place i’ll see for a week or two out or every two months. doesn’t make sense. but that’s not my point. well, it kinda is. so far i’ve been at work for twelve hours today with another eight to go. it’s a short day. i usual work twenty-four hour shifts, and i haven’t done a thing but play my PSP and listen to music…and think. what i’ve been thinking is “how long can i put up with this?” among other things. the money is ok, the benefits kinda suck and, once again, i have too much time to think. i’m stuck out in bfe with no books or movies and a bunch of people who probably never heard of some of the authors i wish i had purchased before i came out here. i can feel my brain starting to atrophy as i type. did i really go to all that trouble to get a degree for this? no, i didn’t, but this was the first occupation to offer me a job and i have student loans to pay. ok, enough pity for myself. i’m really to lazy to find a new job. besides, who’s gonna pay me to do as little as i do. i can work for 6 months and make more than my friends with degrees do all year. yeah, i’m a bastard, i know. oh well. poor me.

but to get back on topicish. i listen to all this music, and the more i listen, the more the lyrics speak to me. i realized that i am getting older with no real mating prospects, i’m hiding from love, i’m waiting for something that isn’t even there, i’m…i’m…i’m…
i’m wasting away. i’m so far behind the curve in life for people my age it’s pathetic. on the other hand…i’m a rarity for my ethnicity. i’m hispanic, not married, no kids (i can hear my friends in the back ground, “that you know of, mexican”), i graduated high school and have a college degree, have a decent job and haven’t been to jail. so, i guess it balances out.

so, i keep listening to all these songs about love, true love, the person that’s meant for you. and i wonder if the one that was meant for me didn’t die in a car crash when she was five and i’m looking for something that isn’t there, and never will be again. sure, i might be looking in all the wrong places, but i’ve never known the right places to look. so, i decided that i’m gonna forget about them and concentrate on me. it won’t be hard, i’m kind of egocentric anyway. if something doesn’t affect me, or someone i care about, directly, i don’t give it much thought. yes, i’m a bastard. covered that already.

i’ve also decided that i want to get out of the country for a while. maybe some time away from everything in my life will reenergize me. i need a kick in the ass to get me going. maybe seeing the other side of the world will do it. maybe i’ll go and never come back. maybe i’ll never do it and regret it the rest of my life. maybe it’s just a pipe dream, but it gets me through the day. i haven’t even gotten my passport done. that’s how serious i am. plus i have everyone i know telling me that i’m not gonna do it anyway. i guess i have to show them i serious…or prove them right.(ok, just so you know. long pause full of self doubt and low self-esteem and even lower self confidence.) maybe i’m meant to be just some guy from small town texas who never gets to see the world. if so, that would be a fate worse than death. i don’t think i’m meant for great things, just hopefully better than mediocre things. i could live with that. because there is a difference between living and existing. i’ve been existing for too long, it’s time to have a life. i really should expand my social circle. i’ve know most of my friends for 15-20 years. i just hate change. i’m not comfortable with it.

well, i’ve depressed myself enough for one night. besides, i need a nap.

well, that’s my mammy, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. gotta love Family guy.