so…i’ve been thinking, i hate my job. too much time to think. i’m away from home for weeks or months at a time. that’s why i don’t have a real home. why pay for a place i’ll see for a week or two out or every two months. doesn’t make sense. but that’s not my point. well, it kinda is. so far i’ve been at work for twelve hours today with another eight to go. it’s a short day. i usual work twenty-four hour shifts, and i haven’t done a thing but play my PSP and listen to music…and think. what i’ve been thinking is “how long can i put up with this?” among other things. the money is ok, the benefits kinda suck and, once again, i have too much time to think. i’m stuck out in bfe with no books or movies and a bunch of people who probably never heard of some of the authors i wish i had purchased before i came out here. i can feel my brain starting to atrophy as i type. did i really go to all that trouble to get a degree for this? no, i didn’t, but this was the first occupation to offer me a job and i have student loans to pay. ok, enough pity for myself. i’m really to lazy to find a new job. besides, who’s gonna pay me to do as little as i do. i can work for 6 months and make more than my friends with degrees do all year. yeah, i’m a bastard, i know. oh well. poor me.
but to get back on topicish. i listen to all this music, and the more i listen, the more the lyrics speak to me. i realized that i am getting older with no real mating prospects, i’m hiding from love, i’m waiting for something that isn’t even there, i’m…i’m…i’m…
i’m wasting away. i’m so far behind the curve in life for people my age it’s pathetic. on the other hand…i’m a rarity for my ethnicity. i’m hispanic, not married, no kids (i can hear my friends in the back ground, “that you know of, mexican”), i graduated high school and have a college degree, have a decent job and haven’t been to jail. so, i guess it balances out.
so, i keep listening to all these songs about love, true love, the person that’s meant for you. and i wonder if the one that was meant for me didn’t die in a car crash when she was five and i’m looking for something that isn’t there, and never will be again. sure, i might be looking in all the wrong places, but i’ve never known the right places to look. so, i decided that i’m gonna forget about them and concentrate on me. it won’t be hard, i’m kind of egocentric anyway. if something doesn’t affect me, or someone i care about, directly, i don’t give it much thought. yes, i’m a bastard. covered that already.
i’ve also decided that i want to get out of the country for a while. maybe some time away from everything in my life will reenergize me. i need a kick in the ass to get me going. maybe seeing the other side of the world will do it. maybe i’ll go and never come back. maybe i’ll never do it and regret it the rest of my life. maybe it’s just a pipe dream, but it gets me through the day. i haven’t even gotten my passport done. that’s how serious i am. plus i have everyone i know telling me that i’m not gonna do it anyway. i guess i have to show them i serious…or prove them right.(ok, just so you know. long pause full of self doubt and low self-esteem and even lower self confidence.) maybe i’m meant to be just some guy from small town texas who never gets to see the world. if so, that would be a fate worse than death. i don’t think i’m meant for great things, just hopefully better than mediocre things. i could live with that. because there is a difference between living and existing. i’ve been existing for too long, it’s time to have a life. i really should expand my social circle. i’ve know most of my friends for 15-20 years. i just hate change. i’m not comfortable with it.
well, i’ve depressed myself enough for one night. besides, i need a nap.
well, that’s my mammy, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. gotta love Family guy.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
may-december…ish
i’ve been thinking lately about,well, not exactly may-december, but more of may-september relationships. of course one person is younger. but, the older person isn’t 20 or 30 years older, but 10 or 12 years older. like, early 20’s person with early 30’s person. both still relatively young, but just enough age difference to make pop culture references hard to translate.
i see a lot of “product of the 80’s” shirts. these kids aren’t products of the 80’s. they’re spawn of the 80’s. hell, i was born in the late 70’s and i’m a product of the late80’s early 90’s. those were my defining years.i grew up to hardcore, thrash, punk, hair bands and grunge. i remember when Chris Cornell was a long haired singer for a grunge band. even right now, i’m listening to Nirvana as i type this.
but, these kids, yes kids, are a whole different breed from the people i grew up with. they have this need to save the world and accomplish something with their lives. my friends just want to have enough to be happy. by which i mean, have a roof over our heads and some video games to play. sure some of them are driven to do bigger and better things, but on the whole, we’re happy to just be.
i know it seems like i just flew off on a tangent, but hang in there. we’re about to veer back on track.
when looking for a mate, people tend to seek like minded individuals. others say that opposites attract. while both are correct, it just shows that nobody really knows what other people want. we just take all of our own wants and force someone we like to fit that mold. or, we try to squeeze into someone else’s mold. neither are good options. i know i can’t seem to get it right. when i meet women in my age bracket, they want a man that is together. you know, a real job, no, a career, a house (not a rental), a nice car, all of the trappings of adult hood (yes, even debt). those girls that i meet that are even 5 or 6 years younger than me want some of that. only they want the career and the nice car. they’re not ready to settle so quickly, so they don’t care if you rent or own. but, they also want you to be that fun guy that will still go out all night and get up the next day for work.
i personally don’t have my act together. nor do i own a house or a nice car. i have an 8 year old truck and don’t really have a home. i work so much that i have storage where my stuff is. i don’t really like my job , so i’m constantly looking for something better. 0 for 3, man am i a catch. but, i have a sense of humor and an ok smile for never having braces. that usually gets them. or, not. having said this, i will also say that i graduated from college a few years ago. no, i’m not a doctor (M.D. or PhD). and all the people in my classes were 4 to 10 years younger than me. my degree was pretty time intensive so i spent a lot of time around these kids. so, my dating pool consisted of these kids. not too bad, some might say. true enough. but, it’s kind of like being purple. my being older was a novelty to them. when they said “hey. let’s go out to eat”, i thought sit down restaurant. they thought tacobell. i was used to working and having money and paying my own bills. yes, some of them did too, but i had lived a life before going back to college. these kids were fresh out of high school. (insert: long drawn out pause. lots of inner dialog and a flood of memories.)
i was just thinking about my dips into that college dating pool. none ended well…but that’s more my fault than anything else. i noticed upon reflection that my stunted emotions and maturity level helped on some level to make me easier to relate to for them, but also made me unable to be the person they wanted me to be. it seems like they wanted a big brother and a boyfriend at the same time. not sure what that last statement says about me or the area of the world i live in (west texas). i had the big brother thing down, but i could never quit get the whole being a boyfriend thing down. i either cared too much or too little at all the wrong times. it was also hard because i was constantly having to explain things to them. there was a generational and cultural gaps that made everyday conversation hard at times. i think in a few years we’ll be able to just talk, when they have a little more of the world under their belt. but i feel that the gaps can be crossed, that people of two different generations can be fine together. i think the problem with may-september relationships is that they’re too close in age. close enough to share some of the same thoughts and ideologies, but just far enough to make them, not incompatible, but, askew. think of lines. picture 2 parallel lines…got it. now think of 2 askew lines. that’s what i see in my head when i think about this subject. now may-december relationships have no doubt that they will have nothing in common generationally or culturally, so they have fewer expectations about it. that’s what we need. fewer expectations. i’m not telling you to stop reaching for the stars and aim for the light bulb. i’m just saying that we put too much emphasis on what we expect from others. just let them be. if they’re right, then whoo-hoo. if not, keep looking. i think next time i’m back in my hometown i’m gonna find me an 18 year old and test my theory. well…maybe a 21 year old. it’s no fun drinking alone.
i may not have stuck to my original idea, or maybe i did and didn’t realize it. either way, i may have just needed to sort some things out. if anyone actually reads this, i’m so sorry for that lost rambling jumble of words, but read the header. i think it fits.
(** note: this is a few days later. **) i know what my point was. younger girls like older guys, but they want different things normally. the girl want a stable relationship, a healthy relationship, a boyfriend. they think an older guy is done with games and tricks. the older guy is usually in one of two places. he wants a potential wife or a piece of ass. if it’s the latter for the guy, it can work sometimes. if it’s the former, things can get weird. it all depends on who is willing to compromise. ok, i’m really done now.
i see a lot of “product of the 80’s” shirts. these kids aren’t products of the 80’s. they’re spawn of the 80’s. hell, i was born in the late 70’s and i’m a product of the late80’s early 90’s. those were my defining years.i grew up to hardcore, thrash, punk, hair bands and grunge. i remember when Chris Cornell was a long haired singer for a grunge band. even right now, i’m listening to Nirvana as i type this.
but, these kids, yes kids, are a whole different breed from the people i grew up with. they have this need to save the world and accomplish something with their lives. my friends just want to have enough to be happy. by which i mean, have a roof over our heads and some video games to play. sure some of them are driven to do bigger and better things, but on the whole, we’re happy to just be.
i know it seems like i just flew off on a tangent, but hang in there. we’re about to veer back on track.
when looking for a mate, people tend to seek like minded individuals. others say that opposites attract. while both are correct, it just shows that nobody really knows what other people want. we just take all of our own wants and force someone we like to fit that mold. or, we try to squeeze into someone else’s mold. neither are good options. i know i can’t seem to get it right. when i meet women in my age bracket, they want a man that is together. you know, a real job, no, a career, a house (not a rental), a nice car, all of the trappings of adult hood (yes, even debt). those girls that i meet that are even 5 or 6 years younger than me want some of that. only they want the career and the nice car. they’re not ready to settle so quickly, so they don’t care if you rent or own. but, they also want you to be that fun guy that will still go out all night and get up the next day for work.
i personally don’t have my act together. nor do i own a house or a nice car. i have an 8 year old truck and don’t really have a home. i work so much that i have storage where my stuff is. i don’t really like my job , so i’m constantly looking for something better. 0 for 3, man am i a catch. but, i have a sense of humor and an ok smile for never having braces. that usually gets them. or, not. having said this, i will also say that i graduated from college a few years ago. no, i’m not a doctor (M.D. or PhD). and all the people in my classes were 4 to 10 years younger than me. my degree was pretty time intensive so i spent a lot of time around these kids. so, my dating pool consisted of these kids. not too bad, some might say. true enough. but, it’s kind of like being purple. my being older was a novelty to them. when they said “hey. let’s go out to eat”, i thought sit down restaurant. they thought tacobell. i was used to working and having money and paying my own bills. yes, some of them did too, but i had lived a life before going back to college. these kids were fresh out of high school. (insert: long drawn out pause. lots of inner dialog and a flood of memories.)
i was just thinking about my dips into that college dating pool. none ended well…but that’s more my fault than anything else. i noticed upon reflection that my stunted emotions and maturity level helped on some level to make me easier to relate to for them, but also made me unable to be the person they wanted me to be. it seems like they wanted a big brother and a boyfriend at the same time. not sure what that last statement says about me or the area of the world i live in (west texas). i had the big brother thing down, but i could never quit get the whole being a boyfriend thing down. i either cared too much or too little at all the wrong times. it was also hard because i was constantly having to explain things to them. there was a generational and cultural gaps that made everyday conversation hard at times. i think in a few years we’ll be able to just talk, when they have a little more of the world under their belt. but i feel that the gaps can be crossed, that people of two different generations can be fine together. i think the problem with may-september relationships is that they’re too close in age. close enough to share some of the same thoughts and ideologies, but just far enough to make them, not incompatible, but, askew. think of lines. picture 2 parallel lines…got it. now think of 2 askew lines. that’s what i see in my head when i think about this subject. now may-december relationships have no doubt that they will have nothing in common generationally or culturally, so they have fewer expectations about it. that’s what we need. fewer expectations. i’m not telling you to stop reaching for the stars and aim for the light bulb. i’m just saying that we put too much emphasis on what we expect from others. just let them be. if they’re right, then whoo-hoo. if not, keep looking. i think next time i’m back in my hometown i’m gonna find me an 18 year old and test my theory. well…maybe a 21 year old. it’s no fun drinking alone.
i may not have stuck to my original idea, or maybe i did and didn’t realize it. either way, i may have just needed to sort some things out. if anyone actually reads this, i’m so sorry for that lost rambling jumble of words, but read the header. i think it fits.
(** note: this is a few days later. **) i know what my point was. younger girls like older guys, but they want different things normally. the girl want a stable relationship, a healthy relationship, a boyfriend. they think an older guy is done with games and tricks. the older guy is usually in one of two places. he wants a potential wife or a piece of ass. if it’s the latter for the guy, it can work sometimes. if it’s the former, things can get weird. it all depends on who is willing to compromise. ok, i’m really done now.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
what a way to kick this thing off
well…here we go. this is my first attempt at expressing myself through writing, in a public forum, at least. it won’t be Shakespeare; i’m horrible with iambic pentameter. it also appears that i can’t write a long flowing sentence. well, that and capitalizing seems to be a problem also. we’ll not even touch the grammar.
so, here’s my life in a nutshell. i work, i watch tv, i sleep. that’s it. i don’t even get to sleep in my own bed, i live out of hotels. i think i’m homeless. (long pause on my end. i think i just depressed myself.) upside: i have a job that pays decently. it affords me toys to keep from remembering i’m not home. and, staying in hotels is like living in your parent’s house. you leave in the morning, and when you get back, someone has cleaned your room and made the bed for you. plus, there’s no nagging involved. still, a PSP isn’t my brother, and a maid isn’t my mom. not that there’s anything wrong with a PSP.
ok, i lied. i don’t just work, watch tv and sleep. i spend a lot of time browsing the inter-web. i check my emails (i only have 6), watch youtube, visit makezine, and most importantly, check achewood.com for new cartoon posts. if you haven’t been to achewood.com, go. i will almost guarantee that you laugh until you pee your pants. but start from the beginning. you have to get to know the characters to enjoy them that much more. that, and the entire thing is hilarious.
i apologize if this thing seems disjointed. this is taking me longer than i thought to write. i guess my ex was right, i do have a problem sharing even the smallest of thoughts. but, i’m finding that bottling everything up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (insert long pause wherein long internal monologue with hand gestures ensues.) maybe i’ll get to the personal stuff at a later date. today i’m concerned with the fact that i don’t recall ever hearing someone sing a Prince song on American Idol. i think i would like to hear someone sing Nothing Compares 2 U as a country song.
and with that, i’m off. must sleep. have to work in the morning. (snappy closing line).
so, here’s my life in a nutshell. i work, i watch tv, i sleep. that’s it. i don’t even get to sleep in my own bed, i live out of hotels. i think i’m homeless. (long pause on my end. i think i just depressed myself.) upside: i have a job that pays decently. it affords me toys to keep from remembering i’m not home. and, staying in hotels is like living in your parent’s house. you leave in the morning, and when you get back, someone has cleaned your room and made the bed for you. plus, there’s no nagging involved. still, a PSP isn’t my brother, and a maid isn’t my mom. not that there’s anything wrong with a PSP.
ok, i lied. i don’t just work, watch tv and sleep. i spend a lot of time browsing the inter-web. i check my emails (i only have 6), watch youtube, visit makezine, and most importantly, check achewood.com for new cartoon posts. if you haven’t been to achewood.com, go. i will almost guarantee that you laugh until you pee your pants. but start from the beginning. you have to get to know the characters to enjoy them that much more. that, and the entire thing is hilarious.
i apologize if this thing seems disjointed. this is taking me longer than i thought to write. i guess my ex was right, i do have a problem sharing even the smallest of thoughts. but, i’m finding that bottling everything up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (insert long pause wherein long internal monologue with hand gestures ensues.) maybe i’ll get to the personal stuff at a later date. today i’m concerned with the fact that i don’t recall ever hearing someone sing a Prince song on American Idol. i think i would like to hear someone sing Nothing Compares 2 U as a country song.
and with that, i’m off. must sleep. have to work in the morning. (snappy closing line).
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